Level 10 Problems

“We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails.”

― Dolly Parton

Death has an astounding way of putting things into perspective.

A few years ago, over drinks during a business trip, a dear friend and I discussed the concept of significance. He had recently lost his mother, and we lamented about the inconsequential, low-level issues that tend to drain so much of our time, energy and attention. He beautifully shared that the trauma of his sudden loss and his subsequent grief had put his life and the affiliated tribulations into perspective. His loss had prompted him to shift his focus; he needed to use his limited energy to deal with matters and issues that were truly essential. We raised our glasses and toasted to our newfound commitment to use pain as an agent of change in order to concentrate on the things that really matter in life. I have reflected on this inspiring conversation many times since and have frequently reaffirmed my commitment to meaningful prioritization.

In the days and weeks following my husband Chris’ death, this conversation echoed in my mind. I quickly discovered for myself that minor day-to-day issues were no longer as significant or even noteworthy within our household. It became abundantly clear to me that I needed to rethink my parenting approaches given our new circumstances. Things like completing homework or cleaning bedrooms suddenly seemed far less essential, especially on the days that I knew simply getting out of bed was a victory for my twin boys.

The Level 10 Problem

After one particularly arduous day when my boys and I talked about how we would approach this next chapter of our lives, we unexpectedly, and quite frankly accidentally, established the profound concept of the “Level 10 Problem.”

We decided that grieving takes a lot of energy and that many days we were just too exhausted to attend to the minor issues that might have previously consumed us. We decided that we would devote all of our attention to healthy healing, and only focus on truly significant issues. We decided “truly significant” meant it was a Level 10 on a 10 point scale. Only then would it get our full consideration. We even joked that we might put a sign on our front door that states “Only Level 10 Problems are accepted beyond this point.”

Since incorporating the Level 10 concept within our household, we have referenced it almost daily and we have used it as a humorous yet tangible approach to rate problems and issues as they arise. We laugh together when we quantify issues such as one of our dogs eating a shoe, a spilled drink, or our nightly visit from our garbage scattering raccoon, as Level One Problems. The Level 10 concept has been freeing for my kids and I and has allowed us to give ourselves permission to prioritize our loss and recovery as our main focus, and to truly keep things in perspective.

Outside my home, I needed to reconsider how I would approach my friendships, and specifically how I would expend my limited energy within the realm of those treasured relationships. Previously, I would have characterized myself as a reciprocal friend who was always eager to show up and offer support. As I navigate my grief journey, I have had to acknowledge that within the give and take of friendships, I have been taking a little more than I can give right now. My true friends love me nonetheless and have exceedingly compassionate expectations of me.

While I am still very committed to being a generous and giving friend, I have openly discussed the Level 10 concept with my friends. I have gently reminded them that I am always here to listen, but I need to reserve my attention and energy to supporting and advising regarding high-level issues at this point. It certainly took some courage and vulnerability to advocate for what I needed from my friends, and I feared that the request might even appear selfish. Fortunately, my unwavering friends wholeheartedly supported and understood my perspective.

I am confident that in time, I will return to commiserating about terrible service at a restaurant, the broken zipper on a favorite pair of boots, or irritating car issues. My capacity will undoubtedly expand as my strength continues to grow, but in the interim, I am grateful to my amazing friends for not only unequivocally embracing the Level 10 concept, but encouraging it.

Regardless of what point you are at with your grief journey, I encourage you to be gentle with yourself and to expend your precious energy carefully and mindfully. Remember, you get to choose what is most centrally important and worthy of your attention. As a beloved and brilliant fellow widow friend often reminds me, “You get a pass right now.” Keep in mind that this is not a forever pass, and with time, you will be ready to invest your energy in working through Level Nine problems and below. Even then, if our grief serves as a vehicle for positive change, let’s ensure that we strive to become more adept in prioritizing and focusing on what is truly significant as we progress through life.

Love & Light,

The Unwavering Widow