Blessings

“Some believe in destiny, and some believe in fate. I believe that happiness is something we create.” ~ Sugarland

In July of 2007, shortly after my 30th birthday, I was juggling a busy career as a school principal, three-year-old twin boys, and my husband and I were both in graduate school. Albeit busy, our lives were enriching and fulfilling. I thrived in the daily challenges and loved feeling that I had earned the right to lay my head on the pillow each night. That was until I emerged from a meeting one summer morning to learn that my world had changed. My sister had been killed in a single-car accident at only 26 years of age.

In December of 2018, my husband, sons and I eagerly boarded a train to Grand Central Station for our annual tradition of taking in the holiday sites in nearby New York City. As they did each year, my parents planned to meet us in the city so that we could enjoy the dazzling storefronts, the Rockefeller Center Tree, St. Patrick’s Cathedral and dining at our favorite restaurant. Upon their arrival, I was immediately struck by how thin and drawn my normally healthy and vibrant mother had become in just the few weeks since I had seen her last. Less than two months later, I held her hand in a hospital bed as she lost her very brief battle with cancer.

In July of 2020, in anticipation of a scorching summer weekend, I was busily preparing for a weekend on our boat. Our 15-year-old twins headed to the marina to wash the boat in expectancy of an evening cruise. Shortly thereafter, I called my husband, Chris at his office to check in with him and to determine what time he thought he would finish working for the day. I never reached him. After several failed attempts to contact him, I went to his office. I found Chris unresponsive and the paramedics could not revive him.

You might be thinking, wait, isn’t the title of this post, “Blessings!?” I promise, I’m getting to that. Interestingly enough, many blessings emerged from my losses, leading to a level of gratitude and presence that I previously didn’t know to be possible. Even now the concept perplexes me somewhat, but I am living proof that good things can and do come from terrible trauma when we are open to embracing the exquisite and unrelenting blessings that present themselves.

My Post-Traumatic Growth Journey

I have recently been introduced to the theory of Post-Traumatic Growth. It was developed by psychologists Richard Tedeschi, PhD, and Lawrence Calhoun, PhD, and asserts that people who endure extreme trauma and adversity can often experience astounding, positive growth afterward. Simply put, Post-Traumatic Growth shifts the lens from what we have lost, regardless of how significant, to what we still have to be grateful for, as well as our future growth and prospective contributions.

My Post-Traumatic Growth journey has allowed me to live in and appreciate the moments of my life with much greater intentionality and presence, thus finding joy and gratitude in things I may have previously overlooked. I am now committed to putting down my phone, practicing mindful gratitude every day, and spending time with people who bring me not only solace, but joy and positive energy. Interestingly, this concept has granted me the permission that I needed to look for the good even on my darkest days. It has given me a renewed appreciativeness for life, a newfound sense of my own strength and resilience, and a fresh focus on supporting others as they navigate grief and trauma, which is largely the drive behind The Unwavering Widow blog.

Shifted Focus

Prior to losing my husband, at the end of any given day I tended to focus on what I had failed to accomplish or complete in my personal or professional life. I have now given myself permission to reflect each day on what I have accomplished, and to hold those achievements in a space of gratitude. My list of accomplishments started small; in fact, in the weeks following Chris’ death, I wrote down triumphs that felt monumental: getting out of bed, brushing my hair, or preparing a meal for my children. Now, I am celebrating parenting victories, personal growth and professional contributions. Most importantly, I am thankful for what I have accomplished, and am no longer focused on what I have not.

While I have always made a true effort to focus on gratitude and positivity, my losses have allowed me to take the idea of focusing on those I love to the next level. I love my children more fiercely than ever, and I am becoming adept at ensuring that they get my full attention, as opposed to the distracted, multi-tasking mom of the past. While my true friends realize I cannot fully reciprocate the support they have shown me just yet, I find myself being a better listener and more attuned to their substantial emotions than I had in the past. I am also committed to focusing on the things that are truly significant; the things really matter and leaving the minor issues and tribulations behind.

For the first time in my life, little things do not get to me the way they would have in the past. Small bumps in the road, insensitive or opportunistic people, and superfluous conflict don’t knock me down or upset me the way they might have previously. Conversely, I can put adverse situations in perspective with more ease and grace than before, and they actually fuel my resiliency and my desire to focus on what really matters. True trauma has a poignant way of putting things into perspective and teaching us not to waste our limited energy on inconsequential issues.

I am not the girl who I was before losing my husband, and while I would certainly turn back the clock if I could, I am not only comfortable, but fulfilled by this new version of myself. This girl is stronger, more resilient, incredibly grateful, and wholly present. My Post-Traumatic Growth will serve not only me, but those who I love and serve with incredible power in my next chapters.

Reclaiming Joy

Joy is a discipline, and you must be willing to do the work. For me, reclaiming joy has been a commitment to gratitude, being present in the now, and looking forward to the future with optimism and enthusiasm. I have found so much peace in the moments where I have grounded myself in the fact that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, and I have opened myself to growth.

Thank you for subscribing to my blog. I am excited to share this journey of growth with you, and am truly eager to learn from your experiences and insights.

Love & Light,

The Unwavering Widow