A Happiness Playbook

"Well, life is short and love is rare.

And we all deserve to be happy while we're here." ~ Little Big Town

It can be massively difficult to find the strength and energy to invest in healing and joy when basic day-to-day functioning feels insurmountable and draining. Finding solace and growth following a death, illness, divorce, or another personal or professional loss can frequently feel unbearable, and at times even impossible.

Prior to losing my husband, I had become accustomed to dealing with adversity and facing obstacles with well-formulated plans. I would often develop comprehensive and strategic approaches to work through challenges in a formulaic manner. Unfortunately, grieving isn’t linear, and there is not a step-by-step guide to follow. I found that I needed to enlist a variety of tools. I discovered that the strategies that saw me through some days simply didn’t work other days. While I certainly do not have all of the answers for how to navigate grief and loss, here are some key tenets from my newly formulated playbook in the hopes that one or more of these strategies might serve you in your own journey.

Embrace Sadness

It likely seems counterproductive to suggest that embracing sadness is a key to finding joy, but it is one of the most critical elements of working through a loss. Bypassing grief simply isn’t an option. We need to go through grief, to feel it, contemplate it, reflect in it, and to allow ourselves to be changed by it. In Option B, Sheryl Sandberg suggests that we “lean into the suck” and I have found that doing so has helped me to embrace my pain as a vehicle for growth. Despite my ongoing and overarching message of growth and joy in the wake of grief, I have discovered that we need to open ourselves up to grieving in order to find and appreciate happiness. We can’t simply turn a difficult situation into a positive, but we can allow ourselves to embrace the sadness so we can learn and grow from it.

Celebrate Achievements

In the early days after Chris’ death, I began making space to notice and celebrate my achievements. By writing down my daily triumphs, I became mindful of giving myself credit for my accomplishments, even if those undertakings were seemingly small initially. Brushing my hair and feeding my dogs made my list of top achievements those first few days. Even now as my achievements are more impressive, I have become adept at focusing on what I have done and holding those contributions in a space of appreciation, rather than fixating on what I have failed to do. There is inherent joy in accomplishment and achievement if we chose to shift our focus.

Practice Gratitude

I unreservedly believe that gratitude leads to joy, and research even contends that consistently practicing gratitude physically changes our brains. I was particularly inspired by a colleague who reached out recently after reading my first few blog posts. She shared that she and some friends have established an ‘Unwavering Challenge.’ They have committed to texting each other every evening with their most prominent moments of gratitude and triumph. Sharing these daily occurrences with friends, recording them privately in a journal, or simply increasing our level of awareness allows us to recognize and appreciate these jubilant moments when they occur, and helps to shift the focus into an increasingly positive space. When we focus on gratitude, we become mindful of our past and current blessings rather than becoming immersed in the loss.

Choose Motivational Mantras

I have always had an affinity for the written word and beautifully crafted quotes. As part of my grief journey, I now often formulate mantras, select particularly poignant quotes, and inspiring messages and document them. I have hot pink Post-It Notes covering many frequently viewed spaces with statements such as:

I am alive, and I will live.

Just do the next thing.

You choose how you show up.

Let go of the life you planned and find the life that’s waiting for you.

By choosing words of motivation and keeping them visible, I am able to revisit them often for encouragement, especially when things are tough.

Give Grace Dr. Brené Brown so eloquently contends that, “When perfectionism is driving, shame is always riding shotgun and fear is the annoying back seat driver.” Early on in my grief journey, for the first time in my life I learned how to give myself grace. That lesson has forever changed me. I discovered that when I refused to give myself a break and set high and often unrealistic expectations, the resulting failure further compounded my grief. I have come to recognize that I can still hold myself to a high standard, but I now accept that some days I will fall short, and that is okay. When I mismanage a parenting situation or handle an issue at work poorly, rather than beating myself up, I contemplate how I will show up more powerfully next time. When I feel that I am deficient as a friend, I communicate my concerns and recognize that I am doing my best. Most importantly, I am learning to ask for help.

Establish Healthy Habits

I have always believed in the ‘healthy body healthy mind’ connection, but in the weeks and months following my husband’s death, I found exercise to be one of the most powerful healing practices that I engaged in. I discovered that I was able to take back something that I enjoyed and at the same time reap the benefits of a surge of endorphins. On the days when a grueling cardio workout feels like too much, I embrace practicing Pilates or meditating. I have come to view my daily workouts as a gift to myself and have found that they also empower me with a feeling of control on days that have otherwise felt frenetic.

Keep a Journal

Not surprisingly, I find a great deal of solace in capturing my thoughts, ideas, and reflections in writing, but journaling is new to me. As an author, I am accustomed to writing with the intent of publishing. Journaling is different and has allowed me a space to capture my thoughts for the sole purpose of expression and self-reflection with no intention of publishing, and therefore no need for a polished finished product. My journal writing is messy and at times even incoherent, but it has provided some significant revelations about grief, loss, achievement, and resilience. I have captured dark moments, personal victories, and memories that I want to preserve. Much like beginning a new workout regimen, I have learned that committing to journaling for approximately 10 minutes a day took some practice, but this time has become one of the most powerful parts of my day (I speak about it on this podcast). Journaling has given me a different lens for exploring my own grief and has helped me to document my journey, and more importantly, my growth.

The pain and sadness of loss can be astoundingly prominent and pervasive. At times it may seem that we might be consumed by the debilitating sadness, but by implementing strategies that help us to focus on and reclaim joy we are empowered to embrace our grief as an impetus for growth and future happiness.

I recognize that the strategies in my playbook may not work for everyone. Try them on, but if they don’t fit, keep looking for strategies that do while remembering to give yourself grace and to keep seeking joy.

Love & Light,

The Unwavering Widow